Thoughts From A Discouraged Climber

I can hear all the voices and movements in the gym below me, but only as a low buzz that is mostly drowned out by the steady, yet slightly shaky sound of my nervous breath. I can feel the slight pain in my fingers, the heaviness in my arms. My harness pinches the insides of my thighs, but it's a comforting feeling that allows me to push myself to make the next big move. I'm fully concentrated on a bright orange hold above me, thinking of and seeing nothing else. I have total freedom from the stresses of the world.

Climbing hard at my home gym, Triangle Rock Club!

When I started climbing at my local gym in 2017, I found that it was a creative way for me to exercise and blow off some steam. I enjoyed challenging myself, I met new friends, and I found myself going up to five days per week. Once I had been going for a couple of years, having improved to the point that I was leading some indoor 5.10s, I took my love of climbing outdoors. It was significantly more scary, but I had a supportive boyfriend/coach, and it was so fun to meet other climbing dirtbags at the crag. I was so happy to have a hobby that I loved and that was challenging me, even if I did chicken out halfway up an outdoor boulder route a time or two.

Getting creative during COVID

And then...COVID. With gyms closed and travel plans cancelled, any climbing aspirations paused with them. Those first few months, I missed it so much. Not only could I feel my fingers getting weaker, but I missed my friends and I was no longer getting my favorite regular exercise. I got creative a couple of times and did things like climb the walls of my parents' stone house, but that was a short-lived solution, especially when they caught me doing it! I couldn't wait for things to open back up and for this to be over.

Fast forward a few more months: some gyms were back open, and my boyfriend and I were traveling across the country for a job, hitting several outdoor climbing areas along the way. There was only one problem - I didn't want to climb. Like, ever. I had a sense of dread every time we drove to a wall, and I didn't even want to sit in a gym, let alone climb. At first I thought I was just frustrated because it's hard to get back to climbing at your peak level after taking a break. I used to love the challenge though, so when the dread continued, I decided it must be something else.

Now that we're over a year into life during a pandemic, I think I've figured it out. I've been hearing about "pandemic fatigue" and how our bodies can hold trauma, and I believe that's where my issues with climbing are stemming from. After a year of hearing about the spread of germs and infectious diseases, walking into a gym feels so dirty. Honestly, most climbing gyms felt dirty before COVID. If grimy holds and damp air were a little uncomfortable before, they feel like a threat now. Even more so, I've spent so much time being cautious and avoiding getting sick over the past year that climbing feels like an irresponsible risk. When I'm climbing outdoors, the sense of potential danger is even higher. When I watch my boyfriend leading tough routes or I feel my weak fingers slipping from a hold, I find myself thinking about our lack of health insurance and how we wouldn't able to work our physically demanding jobs if we got injured, while our financial situation is already shaky to

begin with. Instead of being present in the moment and enjoying the views, my pandemic-fatigued mind finds the worst outcome to focus on and sees every activity as a reflection of the precarious, often scary year we've all had.

Sending it in Smith Rock, OR

Right now, climbing doesn't feel like a fun challenge to me. With all of the real life challenges we've been facing during the pandemic, creating an arbitrary one is not nearly as rewarding as it once was. I'm sure there are other climbers out there who feel the same, as well as people with other passions finding themselves putting their former favorite things on the back burner. COVID has taken a lot from us, and I think it's going to take a while to get over that. I hope that one day I can get back into the swing of things with my climbing, but for right now, I'm still focusing on staying healthy and safe. Sometimes that feels like challenge enough, and that's okay.